Last Stop, This Town

Time to play everyone's favorite game show.

Are the contestants ready to go? Good...grab your beer, your pretzels, your bestest guy or gal (or both if you are having a particularly good year) and let's play

"What Do You Do Next?"

Here's the scene:

You are the twenty something old husband of a twenty something old woman who is eight months pregnant. Your wife goes for a walk with the family pooch on Xmas eve. You celebrate Xmas eve by going fishing....alone. You return, the pooch returns, your wife doesnt.

In the ensuing months, you act like the guiltiest turdbucket this side of the Pacific Ocean. It turns out no one can place you at the scene of the fishing expedition and you've been having a fling with another gal, worthless bastard that you are. As everyone else desperately searches for your missing wife, you kinda sorta dont do much of anything to help.

Statistically speaking, you are the prime suspect. You do little or nothing to cast the mantle of suspicion from your shoulders. As time passes, the weight of public suspicion and police scrutiny bears down upon your very soul; threatening to eliminate any semblance of normalcy that might be squeezed from what used to be a life worth living. The burden has become too great.

Ok contestants....

"What Do You Do Next?"

A. You follow the lead of some dumbass New York City councilman who has decided to go on a hunger strike to protest the looming Iraq war meaning he will not eat anything from morning until sundown every other Friday (wow...what a sacrifice....this is a person of REAL conscience). Of course your hunger strike will last until your darling wife is back safely in your arms.

B. You start combing golf courses across the USA in search of your missing wife a la OJ Simpson.

C. You get drunk every night and watch porno flicks on Cinemaxxx; promising yourself you will stop when the little lady returns.

D. You try to sell the family house; somehow managing to forget that her signature is on the loan and she isnt around to agree to the sale. When that strategy fails due to abject stupidity, you sell her SUV instead so you can buy a much more sensible Dodge Ram pickup; after all if she aint back by now, she's probably aint coming back and a guy cant be expected to put his life on hold forever, now can he?

And here's the winning choice!

Posted by Mr. Helpful at February 5, 2003 08:16 PM