Alive At Five

Those of you sitting around this weekend with nothing better to do than wait with baited breath to see if my streak of watching shitty movies on Saturdays has continued can now release their breath.

The streak is alive at five.

Dreamcatcher sucks big fat rhinoceros private body parts.

The first forty five minutes are vaguely interesting as director Lawrence Kasdan kinda sorta sets up the premise of the story with semi-composed shots of the main characters doing things which are designed to give us some "background" on their later actions. The problem is, most of the information we develop early on is ignored later on in favor of the time honored and utterly stupefying tradition of a "Hollywood ending".

For those who dont know, a "Hollywood ending" consists primarily of a series of supposedly conflicted or suspenseful actions which drive the movie and the audience toward what is supposed to be a life affirming conclusion which causes the members of the audience to be suffused with a warm, earthly glow that starts on the inside and spreads throughout the body; thereby creating an almost heavenly experience for the viewer and a nuclear explosion at the box office for the motion picture studio.

As we all know (even the least cynical of us), this particular missile almost never hits the target.

It most certainly didnt in the case of Dreamcatcher.

First of all there is no connection between the title of this flick and the subject matter contained therein. I'd like to be able to tell you what a dreamcatcher is but I cant because Larry (Lawrence Kasdan) never bothered to tell me except for a really obscure reference to some artifact thingy which hangs in a isolated cabin.

Second of all, it is difficult to spend a lot of time being scared of the main villain when the main villain ends up looking like a monstrous vagina with teeth. I kid you not, dear four faithful readers. I dont know if that was intentional on the part of the filmmakers as part of a larger statement about how women emasculate men with their vaginas but all I can say is it was done a LOT better by the makers of Pink Floyd's The Wall movie in the scene with the copulating flowers.

In this case, the vagina with teeth just looks hilarious; especially later in the film when it grows to humongous proportions (LOOK OUT EVERYONE...HERE COMES AUNT MARY AND SHE'S ARMED WITH A VAGINA WITH TEETH!!).

Needless to say, the vagina with teeth causes quite a bit of destruction when it comes into contact with male bodies which are pretty much the only bodies in the film. These contacts generate an amazing amount of blood (another subliminal suggestion perhaps? vagina with teeth + copious amounts of blood = the mother of all menstrual cycles?).

Third of all, a couple of tired Stephen King themes run through the body of this film like a really bad stomach ache. They are:

1. The crippled/shunned/outcast/socially unacceptable/retard character who actually possesses numerous redeeming traits and ends up being the savior of us all. A lot of times, King makes this character a child and whenever I see this idiotic plot device, I immediately think of that scene in the Cohen brothers marvelous Barton Fink where the assistant to a "great" writer describes the routine plot machinations as involving a "waif" or a "helpless female" or an "orphan" or sometimes all three. King obviously has great empathy for the less fortunate amongst us but let me just say to him one of the great truths of life which is "so what, you fucking egomaniac??!!"

2. There is a circle of friends who band together to make small funnies, solve problems and generally save the world. Nobody does anything solo (with the exception of his first book Carrie...and he dropped that loner theme immediately thereafter) in ANY of King's stories...it is ALWAYS a group who tackles whatever nasty situation King's devious mind has created. Check it out...you will see I am right. In addition, the group of saviors almost always is protecting another group of "inncocents" who are being menanced by some ratbag bastard authoritative figure (usually a commanding officer of a military outfit). Frankly Mr. King...this got old a LONG time ago...why dont you take a deep breath and get a fresh perspective...or is it true you cant teach an old dog new tricks?

To make matters worse, for all the blood and guts, the movie is flat out boring. If you go see it, take along a seat cushion...you are going to need it. This thing clocks in at just over two hours and, when you are done, it will feel like your butt needs a good massage.

This mess of a film validates my earlier decision to stop giving Stephen King any more of my hard earned cashola. He wont miss it, of course. After all, he is filthy rich which certainly belies the "common man" theme which runs through nearly all his stories. Like Bruce Springsteen, he lost touch with the real world a long time ago and, brother...it shows.

Posted by Mr. Helpful at March 23, 2003 09:49 AM