The Sweet Smell Of Victory

For all the cynicism and sarcastic leanings of this bog, it is an absolute pleasure to make an announcement that adds to well being of the world around me.

For this reason, I am bursting at the buttons this evening because it is with great joy that I announce the closing of The PTS Foundation.

Those of you who spend your whole life being alert are well aware of the small spot on the left side of my bog formerly dedicated to The PTS Foundation. I have been a tireless spokesman for the foundation in an attempt to bring news of this malady to the general public.

The Foundation is being closed for one basic reason...we've won not only the battle but the war too!! Simply put, based on the latest US census, there are no longer any sufferers of PTS in the United States! The scourge of PTS has been effectively removed from society!! For all their good works, has the Bill Gates Foundation ever wiped out a malady? I think not!!

If this isnt cause for celebration then I dont know what is!

Imagine that....we came, we saw, we kicked ASS!

This is a happy day for everyone involved with The PTS Foundation, albeit tinged with just a hint of bittersweet regret. After all, you cant work this long with the same group of people and not form attachments.

As the Foundation's operations wind down, I'd just like to thank a few people for all their support.

First of all, there's Jimmy. Jimmy was the "face" of PTS for most Americans. You saw him on your television sets in commercials which usually aired right after "Monster Chiller Creepy Theater", you heard his plaintive voice on radio commercials during the "Bob Jackson Radio Hour" on selected stations across this great nation and you saw Jimmy's mug in ads in various newspapers such as the West Jacksonville Herald and the Butte Miner/Democrat. Jimmy was an inspiration to all of us as he faced the daily trials and tribulations of a malady that was nearly impossible to prove even existed. I can still remember the first day I met him. He threw up all over my shoes. I dont think I will ever treasure vomit as much as I did that day.

Then there was Claire. Claire ran the offices of The PTS Foundation. She was a tireless worker, in the office by at least noon and staying until almost two o'clock. Not only did Claire follow the three E's (endearing, effective and efficient) but she also remembered to properly clock in and out. She was a model for everyone to follow. We all wish her luck in her new position as Vice President In Charge Of Paper Cuts over at Arthur Andersen Accountants Inc.

I would be remiss if I didnt mention Billy Ding. Billy used to hang out in the doorway of the building which housed The PTS Foundation. He was 6' 4", weighed about 276 pounds and was rumored to be mentally ill. We liked to think of him as "colorful". By all rights, he should have been locked up in
the puzzle factory a treatment center but, as the saying goes, you cant cage the human spirit, at least not in this day and age so Billy was dumped on the streets and ended up at our doorway.

Billy was the single biggest fund raiser for The PTS Foundation. He had a touching way of asking for donations which primarily involved touching the side of a potential donor's head until either the head grew a large dent OR the poor sob coughed up a twenty dollar bill. Another tactic that Billy used was to simply block the doorway to the building until the target forked over some cash. To those who claimed Billy was an out of control lunatic who extorted money from people who had no choice but to pay because they HAD to enter the building, I would like to point out that Billy, in his infinite kindness, gave employees of The PTS Foundation a discount.

According to our latest audit, Billy only kept 99.2% of the money he collected for "operational expenses"; the rest fell out of his pockets when he would pass out and was eventually collected by alert PTS employees. We here at The PTS Foundation greatly appreciate Billy's efforts on our behalf and can only hope he never finds out our home addresses.

There are many more people I would like to thank but I am getting a bit teary eyed so I think I will wrap things up now before I dissolve into a blubbering bowl of jello. Needless to say this is an emotional day for all of us and I hope it is for you too.

Someone once said that every time a door opened another one closed....uh...wait...that's not quite right. Uh...is it every time someone props a door open with a shoe another one gets a new lock? I dont know, I always get my cliches confused. Anyways, we here at the former PTS Foundation would like to thank all of you for your support and remember...today is the first day of the rest of the week.

Posted by Mr. Helpful at July 11, 2003 09:34 AM