Name Your Own Price

Captain's Log
Stardate 03.23.07

I have a request.

The next time it seems like a good idea to open the captain's log while I'm dead drunk, would someone please take a shotgun and blow my brains out....please? I don't think that's a lot to ask. Really.

On the good news side of the ledger, Priceline.com called today. They want me to do another one of those edgy, offbeat, humorous rap/music commercial thingies that everyone liked so much. Apparently they've got their act together and can pay me in actual currency now rather than banana peels, coffee grounds and old leather shoes like they did the last time we hooked up.

I have to admit it was a pretty good gig. Swoop down to good ole mother Earth, hang out for a few days with Lisa Loeb and not have to do much of anything except sit in front of a camera and look good which is my main forte in life, if you know what I mean.

A lot of people like to put Lisa Loeb down but if you take away her dumbass glasses, her rather ardent feminist nature and most of her clothes, what you have is a relatively good looking hottie, if I do say so myself.

Of course, she wouldnt let me touch her. She liked to play hard to get and all those silly, childish games women like to pull on us men but I still got to eat dinner with her a couple of times and one time she even let me hold her hand for a couple of seconds when no one was looking.

I think I laid a good foundation for some hot action the next time we meet up. It was for that reason I made an intractable demand when the Priceline people called....no Lisa Loeb, no William Shatner.

They tried to pull some crap on me like, "oh, she's out of our price range" and "she's out of the country for the next decade or so" but none of that nonsense fazed me.

"Folks," I said. "I'm naming my own price in this deal and the price is Lisa Loeb on guitar or I dont show. And, while we're talking about band members, I dont want that fruitcake black guy playing bass either. He was a nutbag. Get me Stanley Jordan."

Turns out that WAS Stanley Jordan so I let them think they won a point in this particular match.

I wouldnt budge on Loeb. Truth be told, I was in no position to be making demands what with The Federation bouncing paychecks like they were rubber balls but the Priceline people didnt have to know that. They didnt have to know I needed some cash and the sooner the better. That's the art of negotiations, friends, lie until you're blue in the face and hope you dont get caught.

They're supposed to get back to me any time now. I just have to sit here, fingers crossed so tight the blood cant get to the tips, and wait for the phone to ring. Come on baby, come on honey, luck be a lady tonight, daddy needs a new pair of shoes....

UPDATE:

They called.

No go on Loeb. They found out about The Federation's cash flow problems dammitt.

I get Joni Mitchell instead.

Joni Fucking Mitchell. Holy Christ.

Shatner out.

Posted by Mr. Helpful at July 23, 2003 08:31 PM