They Paved Paradise....

Captain's Log
Stardate 03.26.07

So, earlier today, we swooped down to good ole Mother Earth so yours truly could engage in a bit of wage earning courtesy of Priceline.com.

This was scheduled to be a one day shoot, no big deal, get on camera, read some stuff from the ever present teleprompter while a no name band fronted by, ugh, Joni Mitchell, played aimlessly in the background. Then to the star bar for a few quick snorts and, bam, back into outer space before anyone even missed us.

Despite the Loeb debacle, I was excited about the day's events. After all, this was exposure and, as Jenna Jameson is fond of saying,

"One can NEVER get too much exposure."

Spock, of course, was the only downer in the whole affair. He insisted on being able to take the Enterprise on a little joy ride while I was shooting the commercial. Since none of the Enterprise crew would be allowed on the set (something to do with their smell insurance liability), that meant they would have to sit out in the parking lot and, in the immortal words of Spock himself....

"That would be boring, Captain."

I immediately and emphatically told him no.

Spock then helpfully pointed out that my activities for the day directly contravened Federation directives regarding the use of Federation ships for unauthorized purposes. In addition, the captain's union has strict guidelines against the use of one's fame as a Federaton officer for money making ventures unless, of course, you kick a sizable sum back to the union which I kinda, sorta didnt plan to do.

I immediately changed my mind. He had me by the grackles and he knew it.

I stuck my finger right in his solemn face.

"If you take this ship ANYWHERE beyond Earth's atmosphere, I will gouge your eyes out with a teaspoon. Do you understand me?", I barked.

"Yes, Captain." If Spock were a Cheshire cat, he would have been swallowed whole by his grin.

"If there is anything resembling a scratch on the Enterprise when you get back, you will die a thousand slow deaths and dont think I wont check because I will. Are we clear?"

"No, sir, thank you sir, we wont do anything you dont want us to do, sir. We're just going to uh....head for the mall and maybe the bowling alley. I wont let anything happen to the Enterprise, sir, you can count on me." I swear, he giggled.

"No...ARE WE CLEAR??"

"Crystal."

"Get out of here", I said, already feeling my blood boil.

Spock ran to the ship, shouting gleefully all the way. Five seconds later, he and the ship were gone, to God knows where, but I was pretty sure it wasnt going to be any damn mall or bowling alley. It was out of my hands, I didnt have a choice, all I could do was mutter under my breath and get on about my business.

Once inside the production studio, I met the rest of my "band". There was Stanley Jordan, looking like he just got out of the puzzle factory, doing some kind of yoga thing in the corner.

I was pleased to see they managed to get Jonathan Cain from Journey as the keyboardist. I always liked his intricate yet soulful style of play. People always talk about how Steve Perry was the "voice" of Journey and Neal Schon was the "guitar" of Journey but I always thought of Jonathan as the "fingers" of Journey.

Then, of course, there was Joni Mitchell, standing there with a bunch of left over rejects from the sixties. Mitchell looked like an exact duplicate of PETA Officer Buttercup....only older and more scraggly. Mitchell would not have been out of place on a street corner, squatting beside a little tin cup, begging for quarters and letting go with the occasional fart. Jesus...what a hag. Oh well, nothing in my contract said I had to talk to her so I didnt.

Finally, the drummer came up and introduced himself. He said his name was John something or other, I'd never heard of him, he must have been a session guy but I do remember his last name rhymed with drummer which must have been the source of much delight with his schoolmates, eh? He was a wild haired sort with a slight build that kinda made me wonder if he was gonna have the power to keep up with the demands of the William Shatner band but someone musta seen something in him so I was willing to give the guy a try.

As I began to walk away, he stopped me.

"You look a lot like my dad," he said, with a little grin.

"Or, your dad looks a lot like me," I replied, witty as ever.

"Or, maybe, just maybe, a tree really DOES make a sound when it falls in the forest and no one is around to hear." He cocked his head and fixed me with a warm smile.

I was beginning to like this kid. I gave him the thumbs up and continued on my way to the front of the stage.

Over the next hour or so, we ran through several versions of the song while I practiced my delivery. Mitchell kept slowing things down because she couldnt remember all three of the chords. I finally told someone to get her some LSD and she was MUCH better after that....it was as if someone had shot fifty thousand volts through the old hag. Jordan was off in his own little world but managed to keep time while Cain laid down beautiful melodies that made my heart soar.

The surprise, of course, was the kid drummer. My earlier worries about his ability to power the band proved to be groundless. He was like a wild man back there, a reincarnation of Keith Moon (you know, the dead drummer from the Rolling Stones) if you will. His hair was flying, his sticks were flying and even Mitchell seemed to get into the groove although that could have simply been the drugs kicking in. I am going to have to remember to tell my agent to remember to find out who this kid is in case I need a drummer for future projects.

In due course, the commercial was filmed to my and the Priceline rep's satisfaction and everyone headed for the star bar for a few "after the shoot" shots whereupon Mitchell dazzled us with an hour's worth of complete incoherence.

Finally, it was time for the whole shebang to break up, goodbyes were exchanged and I headed out to the parking lot where Spock was supposed to be waiting patiently for me.

I was right on time.

Spock was nowhere to be seen.

Shatner out.

Posted by Mr. Helpful at July 25, 2003 08:48 PM