The Adventures Of Bionic Dick

Starring Bionic Dick
IN
The Case Of The Missing Family Heirloom

She was very upset.

In fact, she was near hysterical.

She sat on my couch, head in her hands, sobs wracking her young and nubile body as she bawled like a little baby.

"Come on," I snapped, not hiding the rising anger in my voice. "Snap out of it and tell me what's wrong."

She shook her head violently and continued to cry.

I cant stand women who cry. I did the only thing I could and smacked her across the face with the only thing I had available which was my head, of course.

She looked up in surprise. She looked like Alice Cooper in full bloom, with the mascara running from her eyes and her hair a complete mess. "Do that again and I'll kill ya," she said in a low and deliberate voice.

Still, I saw something under the surface, something deep, dark and feral. So I whipped my head across her face again.

"I mean it," she snapped. "Dont do that again."

At the very least, the crying had stopped. I did it again, with feeling.

"Oh, ok," she cried, giving in to the dark side. "I like that....a lot." I wasnt surprised, most women do.

"Alright sugar, let's cut the crap and get down to business. What can I do for ya?" As I spoke, I rolled over to my desk and hopped up on my chair and stared hard at her with my good eye.

"I've really done it now. I've lost the family heirloom. My mom is gonna be soooo disappointed in me and my dad, he's gonna be PISSED." She began to weep again at the thought of her dad being PISSED.

"And just what is the family heirloom that you've lost, exactly?" I asked in fractured English.

"I...I....I...oh man....I've gone and lost my cherry. It's been in the family for YEARS!" Then she began to shriek. "And now my panties have fallen off!! Oh, wont you help me?"

I immediately sounded the bionic distress call which I dont need to repeat here because most of you already know the drill. Needless to say, within seconds, I was buried deep inside her mystery.

When we were done, she asked if I happened to find her cherry while I was rootin around.

I shook my head.

"Let it go because, baby, that cherry is gone."

(Editor's note: This story was composed while repeatedly listening to "Casey's Last Ride" by Kris Kristofferson...go figure.)

Posted by Mr. Helpful at October 19, 2003 12:54 PM