KHELP Radio Proudly Presents: Behind The Music

You've heard the songs. You've seen them played in concert. But, do you really know what went on...behind the music?

Tonight we ask the musical question:

What ever happened to...??

Jack And Diane...John Mellencamp
"Little ditty, about Jack and Diane
Two American kids doin' best they can..."

Everyone wants to know what happened to those kooky kids, Jack and Diane. Well, they never got married but they did have four abortions and three kids. Jack is a car mechanic with Pep Boys in Jackson, Mississippii and Diane works as a waitress for Dennys in Sheboyagan, Wisconsin and goes to school at night. She's gonna be a nurse. Their three kids are in various stages of dropping out of school and spend most of their time at the babysitter. Funny thing, though, Jack still likes chili dogs. Two American kids, you betcha...

Angie...Rolling Stones
" But angie, angie, ain’t it good to be alive?
Angie, angie, they can’t say we never tried..."

This song was written by Mick Jagger for Angie Bowie, then wife of David Bowie. The relationship broke up when David caught them in bed together. Years later, Bowie and Angie broke up when Angie caught David and Mick in bed together. Angie is now a heroin addict on Manhattan's Lower East Side and likes to knit sweaters in her spare time.

Melissa...Allman Brother's Band
"No one hears his lonely sigh,
There are no blankets where he lies.
In all his deepest dreams the gypsy flies
With sweet melissa... mmm..."

Melissa is now a Vice President In Charge Of Corporate Sales at the Trump Organization. She got that job by being on a reality television show called The Apprentice. She is married and has one child who has autism.

Maggie May...Rod Stewart
"Oh maggie I wish I’d never seen your face
You made a first-class fool out of me
But I’m as blind as a fool can be
You stole my heart but I love you anyway"

Maggie went on to break a lot of hearts as she was a slut who couldnt keep her legs closed. She contracted a bunch of diseases and finally died of Aids, alone and penniless. The character of Jenny in Forest Gump was based on Maggie May.

Abraham, Martin and John....Dion
"Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up over the hill
With Abraham, Martin, and John"

This song was originally entitled "Abraham, Martin, John and Bobby" but they couldnt get the meter right so they had to cut Bobby's name from the song title, poor soul. At any rate, everyone in the song is dead, including Dion.

Barbara Ann....Beach Boys
"Ah, ba ba ba ba barbara ann
Ba ba ba ba barbara ann"

This song was actually a tribute to a woman named Barbara Ann who'd died previous to the recording of the song. Barbara Ann had been eating in a restaurant when she began to choke on a piece of meat. Paramedics were called but, unfortunately, werent able to do anything until she gave her name. With a piece of meat stuck in her throat, all poor Barbara Ann could do was sputter..."ah, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba" which, of course, the paramedics couldnt understand. The rest is history.

Layla...Derek And The Dominoes (Eric Clapton actually)
"Layla, you've got me on my knees.
Layla, I'm begging, darling please.
Layla, darling won't you ease my worried mind"

Layla went on to be a dominatrix.

Daniel...Elton John
"They say spain is pretty though I’ve never been
Well daniel says it’s the best place that he’s ever seen
Oh and he should know, he’s been there enough
Lord I miss daniel, oh I miss him so much"

Daniel moved to Spain where he became a matador. In the meantime, his brother, distraught over never seeing him again, went on to open a chain of successful coffee shops in the New England area.

Gloria...Laura Brannigan
"And you really don't remember, was it something that he said?
Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria?
Gloria, don't you think you're fallin'?
If everybody wants you, why isn't anybody callin'"

Gloria currently resides in the psych ward at Oregon State Hospital and Laura Brannigan is dead.

Gloria....The Doors
"G-l-o-r-i-a gloria
G-l-o-r-i-a gloria
I’m gonna shout it all night gloria
I’m gonna shout it every day, gloria
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah"

This is actually a Van Morrison song that he recorded with the group "Them" but The Doors version is much more well known so they are listed as the performers. At any rate, Gloria went on to be a school teacher, helping special needs kids learn how to spell by using her name as the example...G--L--O--R--I--A

Jackie Blue...Ozark Mountain Daredevils
"ooh-hoo, jackie blue
what's a game, girl, if you never lose
ask a winner and you'll prob'bly find
ooh jackie, they've lost at sometime"

Jackie finally lost at the game, grew old and died, penniless and alone.

Levon...Elton John
"Levon, levon likes his money
He makes a lot they say
Spend his days counting
In a garage by the motorway"

Levon was Daniel's brother so you already know what happened to him.

Lola...Kinks
"Well that’s the way that I want it to stay
And I always want it to be that way for my lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo lola
Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
It’s a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo lola"

Lola finally got tired of cross dressing so she went in and had an operation done. Then she decided she didnt like being a man so she had another operation to fix the first one. That didnt take so she had to have yet another operation. Finally, the doctor said, "Lola, you're nothing but a bowl of mush down there, I aint doing another thing to you" to which Lola sued him for not respecting the rights of triple transgendered lunatics to have their genitals turned into a bowl of mush. With the money she won from the lawsuit, she took up residence in a small town where she became a teacher's aide for a teacher named Gloria, teaching special needs kids how to spell by using their own names as examples.

Love Shack...B52s
"Love Shack, baby Love Shack!
Love Shack, baby Love Shack! love baby that's where its at, yea, love baby that's where it's at}
Love Shack, baby Love Shack!
Love baby, love shack
Huggin' and a kissin', dancin' and a lovin' at the love shack."

Me: Uh...The Love Shack aint a person so how can I find out whatever happened to it?

Music Loving Public: Dont be such a square, daddy-o! We wanna know what happened to the Love Shack!!

Me: Fine. It burned down when some drunk dropped a lit cigarette in behind a sofa cushion. It's a fucking stupid song anyways.

Music Loving Public: Cool, man!

Luka...Suzanne Vega
"My name is Luka
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes I think you've seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble. some kind of fight
Just don't ask me what it was"

I aint gonna go into it but let's just say things didnt work out too well for poor Luka...

Mandy...Barry Manilow
"Well you came and you gave without taking
but I sent you away, oh Mandy
well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
I need you today, oh Mandy"

Mandy never recovered from being sent away so she joined a convent and became a nun. Now she ministers to other young women whove been sent away.

Michelle...The Beatles
"Michelle, ma belle.
These are words that go together well,
My michelle."

Michelle has remained a belle. She also writes a very cool blog.

Mickey...Toni Basil
"Oh Mickey
what a pity you don't understand.
You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand.
Oh Mickey you're so pretty
can't you understand.
It's guys like you
Mickey ooh what you do
Mickey"

Apparently Mickey is now a gigolo, plying his trade down in Fort Walton Beach, Florida where the geriatric types line up for miles just so he can take them by the heart by taking them by the hand.

Mr. Jones....Counting Crows
"Mr. Jones and me stumbling through the barrio
Yeah we stare at the beautiful women
"She's perfect for you, Man, there's got to be somebody for me."
I want to be Bob Dylan
Mr. Jones wishes he was someone just a little more funky
When everybody loves you, son, that's just about as funky as you can be"

Mr. Jones went on to find his funk as a Prince imitator, playing seedy nightclubs in the bad sections of town, being continually beat up by clubbers who objected to his particular brand of "funk'.

Mrs. Robinson...Simon and Garfunkel
"And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson
Jesus loves you more than you will know"

Mrs. Robinson had a stroke and had to move in with Dustin Hoffman and Katherine Ross where she now sits and drools all day long.

Ruby Dont Take Your Love To Town...Kenny Rogers
"She's leaving now, 'cause I just heard the slamming of the door
The way I know I've heard it slam a hundred times before
And if I could move, I'd get my gun and put her in the ground
Oh, Ruby, don't take your love to town
Oh, Ruby, for God's sake turn around"

Well, good ole Ruby didnt turn around and she did take her love to town and now she resides six feet underground...

Sara...Fleetwood Mac
"Sara, you’re the poet in my heart
Never change, never stop
And now it’s gone
It doesn’t matter what for
When you build your house
I’ll come by"

Sara built her house but Stevie Nicks never stopped by like she promised and Sara got all depressed because there was an element of repressed lesbianism in their relationship which Sara could never let go of and she always kept the light on in the kitchen hallway just in case Stevie came around but she never did...bitch.

The Unknown Soldier....The Doors
"Make a grave for the unknown soldier
Nestled in your hollow shoulder
The unknown soldier"

Yeah, well, we couldnt find what happened to the unknown soldier because no one knew who he was. Rumor has it he was just a figment of Jim Morrison's tortured mind.

Tom Sawyer...Rush
"Exit the warrior,
Today’s tom sawyer,
He gets high on you,
And the energy you trade,
He gets right on to the friction of the day."

Tom Sawyer went on to be an energy trader for Enron and is single handedly responsible for the crash of Enron because, after all, his mind was not for rent...

And that's it for this edition of KHELP Radio's Behind The Music!!

Posted by Mr. Helpful at January 17, 2005 01:32 PM